Did he say Jehovah?

OK, while they are a bit predictable and they certainly aren't Monty Python...but all the same worth watching.

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Blindness Epidemic Strikes Millions!

Government officials from around the world met today to discuss the worrying explosion of cases of blindness around the globe. Hundreds of millions of people around the world have been struck down, reminiscent of the nightmare described in Jose Saramago's novel, Blindness. To add to the problem, some government officials themselves were affected once they retired to their WIFI'ed hotel rooms with their laptops.

Scientists have been attending the meetings as well to put forward their theories as to why so many people in so many different parts of the world have been affected. While many different hypotheses have been raised, the most agreed upon theory was presented by a distinguished scientist from the Vatican, well known for his exorcisms.


In his presentation, Cardinal Rubitout showed how the cases of blindness around the world directly corresponded to the growth in internet use.

According to Monseigneur Rubitout, the internet allows free access to pornography and the illicit and unabated masturbation that this access brings on is the sole cause of the blindness pandemic.

In his words,"This is a stern reminder from the Lord, reminding us about the evils of pleasuring ourselves. We must act quickly before more youths are affected by this insidious act." He was also quick to remind us, "Beware, for blindness is only the first step. Soon the perpetrator will begin to grow hair on their palms and of course forever burn in hell."

The Vatican's representative was particularly concerned when he was informed that a small region in Spain was actually presenting a program directed at teens which tried to inform young people about various aspects of sexuality, including masturbation. This program would also try and educate teens in regards to the many playground myths that are associated with masturbation.

The Health Service of the region of Extremadura launched a campaign, that has gained international fame, based around the slogan "pleasure is in your own hands". The program is based on the concepts of self esteem, confidence and male and female anatomy and physiology.

The Church's high representative in Spain, Cardinal Paja was extremely worried about the move and could not understand why the government was in effect sending young people straight to hell.

The conservative PP party's representative, Mr Frotarse also expressed concern, "Spanish young people are more worried about unemployment than such silly things. Really, imagine teenagers thinking about such things!"

These comments were echoed all over the Right.

"They are interfering with the right of parents to educate their own children about a matter as important as their sexuality," agreed the conservative Confederation of Fathers and Mothers of Schoolchildren.

When asked about possible solutions to the pandemic, Monseigneur Touchmymonkey replied that only prayer and a return to old fashioned values, such as those expressed in the Inquisition would bring sight back to those affected. When asked about the hairy plams, he responded that prayer and a good bic razor should do the trick.

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I have a new hero...

and her name is Soile Lautsi.

Why you might ask?

Well Soile is a portrait of what Europe and moreover its recent EU status pretends to be. A Finnish-born woman who took advantage of the free mobility offered within the union and decided to settle in sunny and warm northern Italy (might ring a bell to some of you reading this).

In the process of settling down into her new community, she integrated even further and began sending her 2 children to a local public school. Of course, being a caring mother she went to the school to meet the teachers and have a closer look at the place where her children would be spending large parts of their day.

Imagine her surprise when she walked into her children's classroom, looked around and saw...the alphabet on the wall, numbers 1-10, student made posters depicting the seasons and the image of a tortured, bloody dead man.

Wait a minute...

Letters? Right...the children are there to learn to read.
Numbers? Right...that whole mathematics thing that people need to master.
Seasons!? Oh ya, science...discovering the world around them.

Tortured and bloody dead man on a cross???

She asked herself, had she enrolled her kids in a how-to-torture seminar? No

A radical Islamic Madrassa? No

A segregated Opus Dei brainwash camp?

No....she had enrolled her children in a public school in a country that dropped Catholicism as the official state religion back in 1984.

She complained and was unfortunately laughed out of courts in Italy who cited laws dating back to the 20's when Mussolini was goose stepping around the Piazzas. Not to be beaten, she persevered all the way to Italy's constitutional court which also subsequently threw out her case.

Where to go from there? Well, she is an 'EU' citizen, right? Well she took her case all the way to the European Court of Human Rights who ruled, obviously, that state schools had to "observe confessional neutrality". They went on, "The presence of the crucifix could easily be interpreted by pupils of all ages as a religious sign, and they would feel that they were being educated in a school environment bearing the stamp of a given religion," ordering the Italian state to pay Lautsi €5,000 (£4,476) in damages."

Before nutters go off in the comments, I do want to stress that by insisting on a religion-free classroom, she is not imposing anything. She doesn't want Sharia law, nor is she expressing that private individuals cannot show their faiths (by wearing headscarves, crosses or yamakas), simply that her rights as a minority are respected as well.

Those of us in Spain know how the PSOE love to portray themselves as more 'modern' than the Berlusconi circus, it will be interesting to see if they pay heed to this ruling and do what they should have a long time ago!

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I Knew it! Zapatero's a closet S+M freak!

It's all becoming clearer now. First there was the polemic raised over the official White House photo with the new messiah (Obama), where his daughters were dressed as Goths, and now this.

It seems that old Zappy is really into a little bit of the 'ol "Yes Sir! Thank you very much! May I have another!" No wonder his daughters turned out to be Goths, if he is so into punishment well...monkey see, monkey do.



Before giving the bruises on his knees a chance to heal after fellating the banking sector with public funds, it looks like he has once again assumed the position...this time taking it long and hard from none other than Pope Rat himself! Long and 25 Million Euros hard that is.

Why?

Cause hooray! Hooray! The Pope is coming to town.


Hot on the heels of his sham apology Down Under, next stop for the pedophile circus (AKA World Youth Day) is none other than the Spanish capital, Madrid.

In 2011, not only will there be more pedophiles in Madrid per square meter than in Patpong Thailand, but the state is happily going to foot at least half the bill!

Forget the constant aggressiveness that the Church has shown regarding nearly every move his government has made, let bygones be bygones. A few Hail Marys and a couple of How's your Fathers and all's good and forgotten I suppose.

I mean really, in times of such supposedly severe economic crisis, what better way to spend public funds than to officially invite a pedophile absconder to your country and lay out the red carpet? I'm almost positive that the loyal opposition party won't so much as make a peep regarding this one either.

If they're so into wasting money, well, with 25 Million Euros we could:

- Build at least 3 temples honouring Zeus and Odin

- Send every family in Spain a pair of socks

- Simply give the money to corrupt politicians so they don't have to go through the trouble of stealing it

- One word...more Franco statues (well maybe more than one word)

Any other ideas?

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Ahhh, remember when...

- People used to disappear in the middle of the night?

- The only Moors here were the ones fighting for the Nationalists?

- If you didn't like someone you could claim they were Reds and they would become one of those mentioned above? (and I don't mean Moors)

- Schools were good and Catholic and the nuns could terrorize the kids while the priests kept happy with some touchy feely without pesky suits against them?

Well, if you too hark back to the good 'ol days here in Spain, drop by the main square in Jaraiz de la Vera and ring this fellow's doorbell. I'm sure the reminiscing will be great.

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And the Golden Coat Hanger goes to...

Silence please...as we are about to present the prestigious award that is given out every year.

First given to Pope Urban VIII for his advocacy of the Earth being at the centre of God's universe, this sought after prize has also been given out to illustrious people like J. Edgar Hoover, Pol Pot and Osama Bin Laden. It is of course given out to those who defend true thought in the face of mountains of proof and scientific studies.

This year has been a tough decision. For both our candidates have shown extreme belligerence in the face of overwhelming evidence. One for his tireless fight against those who actually think that the planet's climate is changing and the other for her crusade against public, not-for-profit health care.

The decision was nearly impossible until the tribunal saw them at the head of today's protest in Madrid and realized that really they are one and the same person. One with a moustache and the other with a face full of botox.

So, after great deliberation, it was decided to present the sometimes bloody award to both.

Ladies and Gentlemen, today's winners of the Golden Coat Hanger are...

The recipients at the awards ceremony

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Thought for a Sunday Returns

It's been awhile since I published a Thought for a Sunday piece, but after being woken up this morning by the bloody clanging church bells, I thought I would start up once again.

I almost feel guilty using the following clip...almost that is. I mean not all believers are so completely and utterly warped and irrational as Bill O'Reilly, nor are all unbelievers as eloquent and well spoken as Richard Dawkins, but I suppose we have to start somewhere.

Enjoy

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A Question of Civics

OK, while I'm not a dog owner, I'm also not any kind of dog hater. I can pet 'em with the best of them and don't mind a game or 2 of fetch but am at a complete loss at how many behave when it comes to their dogs.

Walking home from work this evening a door opened a crack on the street. Just enough so that little Rover could sneak out, take a shit on the front step of the house opposite and then skirt back in.

Then I asked myself, "What the hell was that!?"

I mean does this person really think that because they only opened the door a crack that no one will see? Christ, I was tempted to walk up, take a piss on their door and then ring the doorbell midstream! "Hi there! Mind if I relieve myself on your door? Good thing number 2 wasn't calling, eh!?"

Is there some sort of defense for this behaviour that I am missing? I'm sure that responsible dog owners will comment, saying that they clean up after their canine friend...and I do believe them. Here in Spain, I see ever growing numbers of civic minded people with their little plastic bags in hand, but what about the others?

I really would like to hear some sort of rational beyond the simple FUCK YOU WORLD that it seems to me?

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Congratulations Greece

Just a quick note to give my congrats to Greece for voting out the Right and for not falling into the trap that so many seem to be eagerly swallowing. As we all know, Europe is swinging to the Right and hard. Completely understandable of course when it is so very fucking clear that bankers and laissez faire right-wing robbery has got us where we are today.

Oh, and I'd also like to welcome the Greek who somehow got to my blog by typing in greek+teen+homemade+fuck. Hope it didn't disappoint!

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Maybe the Pope's Divine Email is Down?

Multiple choice question here today.

Who said the following:

"Africa is at risk of the virus of religious fundamentalism spreading and also has been afflicted by materialism – the "toxic spiritual garbage" exported by developed countries."

A) Hugo Chavez
B) Obama
C) Richard Dawkins
D) The Pope

If you answered A, you would have done so by using a rational process. By keeping the man and his ideology in mind, it would be natural to come to this conclusion.

If you answered B, once again you would have done so using logic. Here is a president who must talk about terrorists and fundamentalists to get on the nightly news.

If you chose C, you would have surely done so by taking into account the fact that this man is an evolutionary scientist who has written a book called 'The God Delusion.' Again, as Spock would have said...logical.

Now, if you had for some reason marked down D... The only logical possibility would be because you had read the title of this post and therefore drew a conclusion. Otherwise where would the sense be in a man with a penchant for Prada shoes who preaches against condom use in the fight against AIDS simply because he feels a bronze-age book tells him to do so against all scientific proof (fundamentalism anyone?) and who proselytizes his Roman faith at every chance he gets (toxic spiritual garbage from the developing world anyone?), saying the above?

Divine and Infallible?

Well, D is the answer and like I said, I think either his email is down or the Holy Spirit is holidaying in Mallorca.

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Move your Seat up Man!

A bus ride from Madrid to Caceres over here.

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Get the Fuck out of your Car!

It's World Car Free day and the same geniuses here in Caceres who paint little bicycles on roads that can't even fit 2 cars in the first place then call it a bike lane have decided to cancel planned celebrations because at the moment it would be too inconvenient!?

That's right, Zappy's little plan E has the streets all torn up and therefore closing off certain streets would simply inconvenience drivers too much.

Well...THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT!

But I am not going to go off on a rant today as it was done much better here.

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